I am 33 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Friday, February 14, 2014

In between bleeding?

So, every month is absolute psychological torture for me.  The week before my period, I start a little song and dance of spotting on and off.  Sometimes it's heavier than others.  I ALWAYS convince myself it's implantation bleeding.  It NEVER is.

Today (TMI those that know me) we had sex.  I went to the bathroom immediately afterwards and realized I was bleeding.  Husband, unfortunately, realized it too.  Guess how far from my period I am?  ONE WEEK.
This is getting out of hand.  I will freak out for the next week, convincing myself that I am pregnant.  Of course my boobs hurt and I'm tired.  I MUST BE PREGNANT.  Except that happens every month, far too early.

So, I turned to Dr. Google.  Rookie mistake.  Looks like I could have 1 of ten things wrong with me, including low progesterone, endometriosis (um duh), polyps or fibroids.

So, after the $20 in tests I'll spend over the next week and ultimate heartache next Thursday, should I make a call to the OB?  Or, is this my new normal?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Infertility? Watch this video...

For anyone that has struggled with infertility, heartache, loss...this is a truly inspiring video.  Not everyone has their happy endings, but, I feel like this is a good video that conveys what a lot people do struggle with...and that most people don't know about.

Watch this

Monday, January 20, 2014

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted here.  I just wanted to take a few minutes to say hello and update you on my world.

I am scared to say it, but, things are going well here.  I mean, don't get me wrong, my body still hates me a good 2 weeks out of the month, but, I've seen far worse.  I've been feeling good overall.  Right after ovulation I start with the PMS symptoms including my trademark endo symptom of nausea.  My pain, though, has been great.  I get CRAZY tired the 1 and 1/2 weeks before my period.  And then my period...nausea....nothing a little zofran can't help.

I've been seeing a nutritionist and have been keeping up with my workouts.  I've lost 13 pounds since October and I think that's had a lot to do with how I've been doing.

I continue to have my endo on hold.  It's there.  I know it.  I know my body too well, but, it's playing nice. And I'm forever grateful for that!!!

I've decided against the hormones (BC/BCP) for another little while.  We are still trying the "old fashioned way" of having another.  That, I still have going against me.  But, I'm ok with that.  We will not be going through anymore IVF, no fertility assistance.  My body has had enough of that.  Our time will be spent focusing on feeling blessed for what we have-our amazing and vibrant (almost) 2 1/2 year old.  I still can't believe he's ours.  I still can't believe he's (almost) 2 1/2.  Time flies.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Yuuuup

So, I've been to the OBGYN a few times over the last several weeks.  Much to my delight, he took my complaints seriously and did a very thorough exam.  I hurt for DAYS after that exam.  A few days later I had an ultrasound that revealed a 4 cm endometrioma on my left ovary....which is funny because that isn't the side that has been bothering me.  Go figure.

At any rate, surgery is up to me.  Not ready for that yet.  BC-not an option, and at any rate we are keeping things open right now as far as trying again.  We aren't preventing anymore and just seeing what happens.

So, I just sit and wait.  Wait until my period is so frequent I can't handle the constant bleeding?  Wait until the pain is just too much to function?  I'll know when the time is right.  When I'm ready to go "there" again.  There are so many questions surrounding surgery, I'm just not ready to go there yet. Remove the bothersome ovary?  What about my colon involvement and it's attachment to my uterus?  Hysterectomy? 

Not ready for any of that yet.

In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to take good care of myself.  My fatigue seems to be a little better-I started exercising more frequently and maybe that's helped?  It's definitely helped my psyche.

And, in the midst of all this, our amazing little man turned two this week.  I can't believe it.  HOW has TWO YEARS gone by so quickly?  he's our entire world and I am so thankful everyday that he is ours. 


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Endometriosis, is that you?

If so...go away...now!!!!

I've been experiencing on and off nausea since my son was born, but, the past few weeks I've begun to feel worse and worse.  During this past week I've been feeling particularly crappy.  Nausea, cramping, abdominal grossness (that really should be a medically appropriate term), early satiety.  This is how it all began all those years ago. If this continues throughout the weekend I'm going to call the OBGYN so they can look at me like I have 3 heads when I ask for an ultrasound.  These feelings are very similar to when I've had endometriomas in the past, and, I'd like to at least explore that before they do all this other garbage on me and not finding any reason for it all.

I wish they could see your ugly face.  I wish they knew.

I really hate you endo.  For realz.


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Health update and, siblings?!

I couldn't quite make it without the citalopram.  I started seeing a psychologist, and he said how I reacted so quickly to starting a new med he was certain that I was having a pretty bad withdrawal.  Another few weeks and he thinks I probably would have been feeling better, however, I'm not sure I could have made it that much longer.

I'm doing ok now.  I'm on a SUPER low dose of Lexapro, and, not having the symptoms I was before.  I think this is something that I will come off in a few months, with some talk therapy sessions if to help with my GAD if I can ever get in to see someone!!!

I've been to a cardiologist in the mean time for my fatigue and near fainting spells.  I had a tilt test done.  It wasn't positive, but, suggestive.  Next step is the endocribnologist for my very low glucose levels.  I'm really hoping there is an answer out there for why I've felt so strange since giving birth...something that can be fixed I pray.  I finally have far many more better days than bad, but, those bad days can take a toll!!!

My son is amazing.  He's almost two...where does the time go?  I hate when people ask us when we are going to have another one.  Um, I'm sorry, wasn't it a bit of a struggle to get where we are now?  I answer and say that we are enjoying every second we have with the gift we have been given.  Most of time that shuts people up but MAN are people opinionated on the fact that children need siblings.  Don't get me wrong....long ago it was my dream to have a large family.  However, that may not be in the cards for us.  I'm not sure where life will take us.  If we can conceive on our own, I'd be thrilled.  If we can't, I can't really ask anymore of the wonderful son that we have.  We are DONE with IVF.  Our son was our last embryo.  Not going there again.  Adoption isn't off the table, but, again it goes back to enjoying and feeling blessed with what we have.  My health hasn't been all that awesome and I'm honestly not sure I could tackle two.  I know that we will be given what is meant for us...and, until then I'm loving every square inch of this little guy....who isn't so little anymore.




Thursday, April 4, 2013

GReat article I found this morning that is keeping me going!

I think I can I think I can....

7.3 days for Citalopram to be 99% out of the body...that's Sunday...I can do this....

Going off anti-depressants